A Head
Friday, October 3, 2008, 10:04 PM - Miscellaneous Jokes
There once was a poor boy named Gary who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Gary was basically happy and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession.Then one day, Gary heard of the famous Dr. Karl Von Richten, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. Gary grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment. When the Doctor met with Gary all of his hopes and dreams came true. The Doctor assured Gary that he could help him and would make him into a whole person, but he warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. He began to list some of the many problems he might have, but Gary would not listen. So the Doctor consented and game Gary the injection that would start the process.
Gary was taken home and put in bed but he couldn't sleep well, he tossed and turned on his pillow most of the night. Eventually, he fell asleep. The next morning when he woke Gary was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to go thank the Doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.
Of course the moral to this story is: While you’re a head, stay ahead.
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Something Missing
Friday, October 3, 2008, 09:58 PM - Relationship Jokes
An elderly couple were sitting in their rockers on the porch watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when the woman turned to the man and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" The man looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a little smile, the woman then said, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
The elderly man leaned slowly toward his wife and gave her a lingering kiss on her cheek.
The woman then smiled and said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
The man slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Startled, the woman said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Her husband yelled back, "To get my teeth!"
At Internetaddicts Anonymous, we can help.
Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12:40 AM - Miscellaneous Jokes
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaddicts Anonymous, we can help.Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, who's been looking at this screen for hours on end, you with the bleary eyes. You are an internet addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do
you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your computer?
2) Check your e-mail or social network messages more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time on social networks or gaming sites than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Fill out countless online profiles giving all your personal information in the hopes that you will make some friends.
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online while on vacation from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke rising from your computer?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a
problem. Please call us at Internetaddicts Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOW
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. That is, if you can get up the courage to log off from whatever game you are playing or social network you are on.
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