At Internetaddicts Anonymous, we can help.
Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12:40 AM - Miscellaneous Jokes
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaddicts Anonymous, we can help.Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, who's been looking at this screen for hours on end, you with the bleary eyes. You are an internet addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do
you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your computer?
2) Check your e-mail or social network messages more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time on social networks or gaming sites than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Fill out countless online profiles giving all your personal information in the hopes that you will make some friends.
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online while on vacation from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke rising from your computer?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a
problem. Please call us at Internetaddicts Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOW
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. That is, if you can get up the courage to log off from whatever game you are playing or social network you are on.
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Two Politicians Camping
Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12:27 AM - Recreation Humor
A Democrat and a Republican go camping up in Canada. They put their tent up along and took out the Republican’s hunting knife, fishing knife, hunting rifle, and fish frying pan, along with the Democrat’s portable DVD player. They were tired so they went to sleep. All of a sudden, before they knew it a bear charges into the tent and eats both the Republican and the Democrat alive. In heaven, they come before god.
God says "Since one of my creatures ate you before you had a chance to escape, I feel somewhat responseable for your deaths. So I'll tell you what. I’ll put you back on earth, and I’ll get the bear to come after you again, but this time you’ll be awake. If you don’t at least try to stop the bear from eating you, your souls will be sent back to me again and I'll send you to hell.
The next day, God sees the Democrat in front of him again. God asks "Why did you die this time? You were awake and you had all sorts of hunting equipment with you. You had a hunting rifle, a frying pan and 2 types of knives. Why didn’t you kill the bear"
The Democrat says "I tried picking up the gun, but then my concience kicked in and I realised that guns were the tools of the evil Right Wing and I dropped it. Then I picked up the hunting knife. It was too heavy, so I picked up the fishing knife but couldn't use it because I realised that I would be killing an endangered species. Then I picked up the frying pan to see if I could knock it out, but I realised I would be still harming an endangered species, so I threw that peice of iron that was unfairly and unenviromentally stolen from mother nature into the woods where it came from.
So God then said "Why didn’t you at least turn on the DVD player and distract the bear with that and run?"
The Democrat said "I would be polluting the enviroment with my clutter, and who knows, I might have been encroaching on this bear’s property and he was simply defending himself. I didn't want to get into a fight over land and resources."
God screams in frustration at how this man was so dumb and he sent him straight to hell.
Then the Republican comes up to heaven. God says "I just hope you didn’t get any stupid pangs of concience when the bear was attacking you."
The Republican said "Killing a bear hurt my concience? No way, didn't you catch how I shot that bear, square in the head, skinned it and then ate it’s meat. " So God asked the Republican "So then why did you die?"
Well, after I killed the bear and took it’s meat, I couldn’t find my frying pan because that lousy Democrat took it and threw it into the woods, so I had to eat it raw. The next hour, I got a stomach infection and died."
God shook his head in frustration and allowed the man into heaven.
How do I get to the Capitol Building
Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12:21 AM - Miscellaneous Jokes
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer how to get there. "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol Building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 43 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Two hours and fourty five minutes later the police officer returned to the same area and the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 43 bus and that was two hours and fourty five minutes ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 37th bus just went by!"
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