Too Much Information
Thursday, September 18, 2008, 04:27 PM - Law Humor
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Thompson. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Tommy Johnson since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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Bronze Sculpture
Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 10:47 PM - Law Humor
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Ten dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a hundred dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
Top Twenty Laws Of Golf
Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 09:01 PM - Recreation Humor
1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
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